Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Jesus Declares Candidacy


Santorum: "Jesus!"
Bachmann: "Jesus!"
Gingrich: "Jesus!"
Paul: "Those damned kids and their rock and roll music...Jesus!"
Perry: "Jesus!"
Romney: "Joseph Smith........esus!"

Jesus: "Hey guys, I'm glad you were all together. I figured the GOP Primary Christmas mixer was the best time to talk to you all at know considering you all have been praying for so many separate concerns, like fiscal responsibility for your son, Ron, a marriage mulligan, Newt, an anal plunger for your husband, Michele. I mean c'mon guys, look, I'm not fucking Santa. World peace, end of poverty, equality and acceptance, I can do these things...keep your sex toys and reaction formation tools to yourself....not to name names.... Rick."

Santorum: "Lord, have you come to release the marital chains of homosexuality?"

Jesus: "Yeah...Rick...about that. I thnk you might need to ease up on the whole American History X thing, bro. I mean, homosexuality was never a big thing for fact.. I hung out with a bunch of them, they throw the sickest raves. And the whole 'gays cause priests to molest children thing'....well...maybe try letting them have sex with grown-ups before you go on this limp wrist cleansing. The whole homosexual thing was a big mix-up back when Dad was having a bad month and he couldn't get you guys to breed fast enough so he could catch Miami Vice re-runs. Oh, and by the way, just a little Godly clairvoyance for you, America won't fail because of same-sex marriage. It's actually going to be because the Cubs win the World Series which coincidently is actually the same year hell freezes over...not telling you when...but it'll be a while don't worry."

Bachmann: "Have you come to punish the wicked for government overspending?"

Jesus: "Well, not exactly. And while we're on the whole sex thing.. lay off the gays, please. Deep down it really hurts Marcus that you're so insensitive. Yes, yes, I know he said gays were 'barbarians that need to be educated' but he was really referring to the fact all his clients have been gladiators in the bedroom, but there's definitely room for improvement. And for porn, well... let's be honest, that's the only thing that's kept your marriage going this long.

Paul: "Would you like an orange candy slice?"

Jesus: "Na, no thanks Ron I just had a bunch of the sacrament. Newt. Oh, Newt. What do you have to say or yourself?"

Gingrich: "I know I've been unfaithful, but at least I'm not trying to corrupt America like those demons plaguing Wall Street. They need to get a job, right after they take a...."

Jesus: ..."Yeah, yeah, we all watched the debate about, well, yours truly. That analogy kind of sounds like 'hey I may be Louis XIV, but at least I'm not a peasant'' really shows a disconnect to the rest of the country, but that's not why I'm here. What I really wanted to tell you guys is..."


Jesus: "Whoa Newt. Sounds like you've been carrying that along for a while. I forgive you, I forgive you. However, you should maybe remember the time she stuck with you when you failed Weight Watchers for the 7th time and having sex with you became a journey up Kilimanjaro. You might have done better in my eyes to lobby on her behalf... we all know you're good at that. Besides that, you have to work at it, man. Do you know how bad I wanted to get up in Mary Magdalene? Nope, I stayed strong throughout."

Perry: "Son of God I have served you well, better than any of these other candidates. I've protected the sanctity of marriage, conducted a vigil in your honor, and what's the third one?"

Jesus: "Punish the wicked Rick... punish the wicked. Do you not have cheat sheets with you? Palin even uses her hand...seriously...but nevermind that. As far as the sanctity of marriage thing.. I think I've covered that sufficiently, but seriously and let live, brother. Gays in the military haven't hurt anyone by coming out, marriage isn't even an institution, it's a legislative agreement to not Newt Gingrich anyone else, that vigil was about you, not me--I thought the wildfires afterward would clarify that--and really? Executing people? If I recall, and I should know because I was there, I pardoned a criminal from eternal damnation."

Romney: "Well Lord, what do you have to put on me?"

Jesus: "Jesus Mitt. Er, Me Mitt. Do you think I really started 'Christianity?' It isn't your religious affiliation that condemns you, but your belief system. This actually goes for all of you guys. Come on, really? Did you really think 'Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's' meant 'Give tax breaks to millionaires, and to the rest, well tough luck?' I thought you guys knew me better than that. I told that midget Zaccheus, excuse me little person, to get down from that stupid tree and give to the poor. I wasn't telling him to find tax loopholes, invest in debt and lobby the government for higher leveraging, or condemn the less fortunate as lazy. No, silly Mitt, corporations are not people, and allowing them to accumulate wealth further, will not make wealth, benefits, and jobs trickle down. People are greedy. Trust me, I know, me and my Dad designed them for my 1st grade science project. And come on Mitt... making $10,000 wagers is totally bogus when trying to connect to the American people. You realize that's like the entire world's wealth when I was alive?

Guys, what I'm trying to say is that I came here, not for you, but for everyone else. No, no, this isn't the end of times, but it feels necessary since everyone has been throwing my name around like I'm Richard Gere's pet gerbil. I plan to run for the President of the United States as an independent. I figured I'd let you guys in on it, but I will be running under the alias Jesse Kristopherson. I'd tell you not to tell anyone, but that didn't work back in the 30's (0030's), so I doubt there's much of a chance now. I figure you've been telling America you talk to me and I've been telling you to do stuff all year, so what's the difference.

Perry: "So, you're Jesus, and you're not a Conservative?"

Jesus: "Well, no man. I mean, I think that unregulated wealth and greed is evil, I don't preach messages of hate against other lifestyles or religions, I came to exonerate the down-trodden, I teach a message of peace and acceptance, and I'm not a Bible beater. In fact, I've never even read the thing. It's like watching yourself in a movie, rather vain if you ask me. I mean guys, you've been using me as an excuse to not care about the poor, I can't advocate that."

Gingrich: "So, you don't want legislation against same-sex marriage, you don't want to cut taxes on the wealthy, you don't want to end Medicare and social security, you don't want to cut heating for the elderly and poor by 25% to increase the military budget, and you don't think poor children should clean the bathrooms of rich children?"

Jesus: "Ummm...what? People are actually buying that stuff? This is worse than I, no, no."

Paul: "Did someone say The Fed? Are those new slacks?"

Gingrich, Santorum, Bachmann, Perry, Romney: "GET HIM!"

(rustling noises) (BANG!)

Paul: "Unconstitutional!"

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