Saturday, December 31, 2011

GOP Facts from 2011

2011 was a year of cuts, chaos, and privatization for the GOP, and the year they've had could only be summed up by some of these absolutely accurate statistics. (As approved by Politifact)

1. There are approximately 128.7 million Americans that Herman Cain hasn't slept with.

2. 23.7% of Mitch McConnell's children made it from their nest on the beach to the sea.

3. The divorce rate in America is 66%, as discovered in a case study of Newt Gingrich.

4. Barrack Obama has played 375 rounds of golf this year, with an average of "socialist black guy."

5. Herman Cain has 9 ways to give you his 9 inches if you're 9-teen.

6. Mitt Romney spent 1,089 minutes trying to decide whether to wear boxers or briefs, and eventually concluded that he'd take whatever that black guy in Washington wasn't wearing.

7. Marcus Bachmann has a 5% cure rate for homosexuality. Coincidently, he has a 95% success rate in trying to have sex with his clients.

8. Libya is an independent state within the country of Africa that was taken over by the Taliban following the end of the Gadaffi regime.

9. 79% of Republicans believe that life begins at conception and ends when you're gay, an immigrant, or can't afford health insurance.

10. According to Fox News, 55% of Americans prefer "Merry Christmas" to "Happy Holidays." 55% of Republicans also didn't know what the acronym "GOP" stood for. (actually a real statistic)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Jesus Declares Candidacy


Santorum: "Jesus!"
Bachmann: "Jesus!"
Gingrich: "Jesus!"
Paul: "Those damned kids and their rock and roll music...Jesus!"
Perry: "Jesus!"
Romney: "Joseph Smith........esus!"

Jesus: "Hey guys, I'm glad you were all together. I figured the GOP Primary Christmas mixer was the best time to talk to you all at know considering you all have been praying for so many separate concerns, like fiscal responsibility for your son, Ron, a marriage mulligan, Newt, an anal plunger for your husband, Michele. I mean c'mon guys, look, I'm not fucking Santa. World peace, end of poverty, equality and acceptance, I can do these things...keep your sex toys and reaction formation tools to yourself....not to name names.... Rick."

Santorum: "Lord, have you come to release the marital chains of homosexuality?"

Jesus: "Yeah...Rick...about that. I thnk you might need to ease up on the whole American History X thing, bro. I mean, homosexuality was never a big thing for fact.. I hung out with a bunch of them, they throw the sickest raves. And the whole 'gays cause priests to molest children thing'....well...maybe try letting them have sex with grown-ups before you go on this limp wrist cleansing. The whole homosexual thing was a big mix-up back when Dad was having a bad month and he couldn't get you guys to breed fast enough so he could catch Miami Vice re-runs. Oh, and by the way, just a little Godly clairvoyance for you, America won't fail because of same-sex marriage. It's actually going to be because the Cubs win the World Series which coincidently is actually the same year hell freezes over...not telling you when...but it'll be a while don't worry."

Bachmann: "Have you come to punish the wicked for government overspending?"

Jesus: "Well, not exactly. And while we're on the whole sex thing.. lay off the gays, please. Deep down it really hurts Marcus that you're so insensitive. Yes, yes, I know he said gays were 'barbarians that need to be educated' but he was really referring to the fact all his clients have been gladiators in the bedroom, but there's definitely room for improvement. And for porn, well... let's be honest, that's the only thing that's kept your marriage going this long.

Paul: "Would you like an orange candy slice?"

Jesus: "Na, no thanks Ron I just had a bunch of the sacrament. Newt. Oh, Newt. What do you have to say or yourself?"

Gingrich: "I know I've been unfaithful, but at least I'm not trying to corrupt America like those demons plaguing Wall Street. They need to get a job, right after they take a...."

Jesus: ..."Yeah, yeah, we all watched the debate about, well, yours truly. That analogy kind of sounds like 'hey I may be Louis XIV, but at least I'm not a peasant'' really shows a disconnect to the rest of the country, but that's not why I'm here. What I really wanted to tell you guys is..."


Jesus: "Whoa Newt. Sounds like you've been carrying that along for a while. I forgive you, I forgive you. However, you should maybe remember the time she stuck with you when you failed Weight Watchers for the 7th time and having sex with you became a journey up Kilimanjaro. You might have done better in my eyes to lobby on her behalf... we all know you're good at that. Besides that, you have to work at it, man. Do you know how bad I wanted to get up in Mary Magdalene? Nope, I stayed strong throughout."

Perry: "Son of God I have served you well, better than any of these other candidates. I've protected the sanctity of marriage, conducted a vigil in your honor, and what's the third one?"

Jesus: "Punish the wicked Rick... punish the wicked. Do you not have cheat sheets with you? Palin even uses her hand...seriously...but nevermind that. As far as the sanctity of marriage thing.. I think I've covered that sufficiently, but seriously and let live, brother. Gays in the military haven't hurt anyone by coming out, marriage isn't even an institution, it's a legislative agreement to not Newt Gingrich anyone else, that vigil was about you, not me--I thought the wildfires afterward would clarify that--and really? Executing people? If I recall, and I should know because I was there, I pardoned a criminal from eternal damnation."

Romney: "Well Lord, what do you have to put on me?"

Jesus: "Jesus Mitt. Er, Me Mitt. Do you think I really started 'Christianity?' It isn't your religious affiliation that condemns you, but your belief system. This actually goes for all of you guys. Come on, really? Did you really think 'Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's' meant 'Give tax breaks to millionaires, and to the rest, well tough luck?' I thought you guys knew me better than that. I told that midget Zaccheus, excuse me little person, to get down from that stupid tree and give to the poor. I wasn't telling him to find tax loopholes, invest in debt and lobby the government for higher leveraging, or condemn the less fortunate as lazy. No, silly Mitt, corporations are not people, and allowing them to accumulate wealth further, will not make wealth, benefits, and jobs trickle down. People are greedy. Trust me, I know, me and my Dad designed them for my 1st grade science project. And come on Mitt... making $10,000 wagers is totally bogus when trying to connect to the American people. You realize that's like the entire world's wealth when I was alive?

Guys, what I'm trying to say is that I came here, not for you, but for everyone else. No, no, this isn't the end of times, but it feels necessary since everyone has been throwing my name around like I'm Richard Gere's pet gerbil. I plan to run for the President of the United States as an independent. I figured I'd let you guys in on it, but I will be running under the alias Jesse Kristopherson. I'd tell you not to tell anyone, but that didn't work back in the 30's (0030's), so I doubt there's much of a chance now. I figure you've been telling America you talk to me and I've been telling you to do stuff all year, so what's the difference.

Perry: "So, you're Jesus, and you're not a Conservative?"

Jesus: "Well, no man. I mean, I think that unregulated wealth and greed is evil, I don't preach messages of hate against other lifestyles or religions, I came to exonerate the down-trodden, I teach a message of peace and acceptance, and I'm not a Bible beater. In fact, I've never even read the thing. It's like watching yourself in a movie, rather vain if you ask me. I mean guys, you've been using me as an excuse to not care about the poor, I can't advocate that."

Gingrich: "So, you don't want legislation against same-sex marriage, you don't want to cut taxes on the wealthy, you don't want to end Medicare and social security, you don't want to cut heating for the elderly and poor by 25% to increase the military budget, and you don't think poor children should clean the bathrooms of rich children?"

Jesus: "Ummm...what? People are actually buying that stuff? This is worse than I, no, no."

Paul: "Did someone say The Fed? Are those new slacks?"

Gingrich, Santorum, Bachmann, Perry, Romney: "GET HIM!"

(rustling noises) (BANG!)

Paul: "Unconstitutional!"

Monday, December 12, 2011

The House on Haunted Hill

To take the GOP presidential field seriously-- hold no illusion, even though it may seem like an insult to your intelligence, you are obligated to take these cartoonish, skit-ready, corporate indigents seriously--there a few things you have to do.

1. You have to dismiss the incoherent rambling and any attempt any of the candidates have made at improvising speeches, debate answers, predetermined ethical values or sexual exploits. For example:

With Naughty Newt Gingrich, you must dismiss his utilization of secularism as a scapegoat for nearly every problem that has ever plagued the U.S. (I don't believe he's blamed Catholic priest molestation charges on secularism like Santorum yet, but hey, it's a long election season), his past infidelity-not so much with his other wives either "cancerous" or not, but the multiple ethics violations imposed on him by the House, his acceptance of over $1.6 million in lobbying, excuse me "historianing" cash from Freddie Mac, using mailing lists from charities he headlined that didn't end up making any charitable donations, taking the "evil stepmother with better tits" stance on child labor, and his early work as the model for Gummi Bears.

With The Multi-Million Dollar Man Mitt Romney, you have to deal with his adherence to the Pixar bad guy hair style code, rivaling Vatican City with his living quarters of which he recently quadrupled in size, his advocacy of Corporate marriage while opposing same-sex marriage, proposed $6.6 trillion in tax breaks for the rich and corporations (which isn't far removed from Gingrich's plan offering over $600,000 in annual tax decreases for the average millionaire), and his indecision on any given issue that would give Heisenberg a woody.

With Bachmann you have to deal with, Jesus Christ this will take me all night, tune in for my presidential round-up later this week. Besides, we can all be adults here, admit Blink 182 was kind of overrated and that none of the other candidates really have a homosexual's chance in Iowa.

2. You have to pick out common themes that each candidate shares, despite their propensity to engage in "my dad could kick your dad's ass" pissing matches. 

The most common theme I have taken from subjecting myself to the torture of watching the debates to see who gets shotgun on the shortbus on the way home is that America, the beautiful, is the best country in the world, above reproach, and totally is so not gay. 

 Gingrich unappolgetically doesn't apologize for not apologizing for America. Santorum continually flaunts the, "America is a light on a hill" rhetoric, Ron Paul is too realistic on this issue so we won't mention him because he's probably busy filling up glass jars with orange slice candies that nobody will ever eat, Bachmann is still dealing with the possibility that all of these other countries people talk about weren't invented by Herman Cain, and Herman Cain, well, he thinks we have the best women in the world when they're not being little bitches and thwarting his advances. Hey, we've forced a lot of people to do a lot of shit, and America has always come out on top. God Bless Herman Cain's love rod, and God Bless America!

(Either Herman Cain or Frank Lucas shown here)

However, there are some people in the world trying to tell you America isn't the beacon of prosperity on a hill of poor children, personal and federal debt, would-be corporate tax revenue, and shitty pop music. These anti-America treasonous terrorists that are probably gay and Muslim are even found in our own country! The biggest problem I have with these good for nothing elitist assholes is their allegiance to scientific inquiry, and above all, statistics. I don't trust words longer than 5 letters to begin with, but especially ones that can also disprove my belief system. So what are these "statistics" that people are claiming exist? I'm not one to believe in anything that doesn't require blind faith.

Wilkinson and Pickett, in The Spirit Level, compiled an index of health and social problems for the wealthiest countries in the world. They wanted to emphasize that inequality not only impedes on the quality of life at the bottom, but the country as a whole, including the elite. They found that the countries with the most inequality scored worse on every single criterion. They found that the countries with the best quality of life were Norway, Japan, and Sweden, while the U.S. scored dead last.

Inequality? Doesn't mean that trickle-down economics is working? Which of course is the idea that if wealth is concentrated at the top, the rich will take out their dicks and piss on the poor so they work harder and make more money.

Wait, wait. So if this stuff is true, and inequality is a bad thing, then in 2005, the average CEO making 262 times more than the average worker is a bad thing. And if that's bad, then 400 Americans at the top owning more wealth than 150 million Americans is also pretty bad. If that's not good, then neither is that the income of the top 1% in the last 32 years has increased 275% while the bottom 20% of the country's income has only increased by 18%. It's probably not a good thing that 88% of income growth since 2009 went to corporate profit, with only 1% going to wage increases. We should probably be kind of pissed that in 2010 corporate tax revenue was down 27% from 2000, despite corporate profits increasing by 60%.

So the Census Bureau releasing that 46 million Americans live in poverty, including 37% of young families must mean we've got a lot of golden showers to give out. Glenn Beck is telling you our poor aren't really poor because many own appliances is disingenuous considering we are supposed to be that light on a hill. These poor people must be lazy. They could get a job at McDonald's right? Well, McDonald's only hired 60,000 of the 1 million applicants last year. They just need to go get an education! College tuition tripling in the last 30 years might hinder that, though.

Well, these American-loving, squeaky clean family candidates probably all have solutions to the inequality and poverty problem. More tax breaks for corporations? More tax breaks for rich? Don't want to extend payroll tax cuts for middle class? Don't want to create jobs with rebuilding falling infrastructure because of a %0.7 surtax on income over $1 million? They must know something that economists, sociologists, and anthropologists don't.

Oh... okay... nevermind, we had it wrong guys...

Taxing rich people prevents them from creating jobs. They need the tax breaks--we're all struggling right now. I mean, pre-emptively rewarding someone for something they haven't done yet always works. We don't need tax credits for hires, that's against logic! That's why we give lab rats cocaine BEFORE they press the lever. That's why my mom takes off the parental lock no the computer BEFORE I clean my room.

Anyway, all this shit is making me depressed. What is America best at?

The American Journal on Public Health determined the U.S. has higher rates of gun ownership than other industrialized countries (we'll ignore the higher homicide rates)!

The U.S. spends he most on healthcare! I guess scoring a 64 out of 100 on key measures in the Commonwealth Fund Commission on a High Performance Health System study means we still have room for improvement. As does the fact we spend more, but cover less people than countries with socialized medicine.

We spend the most on Defense! That must be why everyone feels so safe all the time.

We have more prisoners than any other country!

So if you've learned nothing, if you want to question if America is the best country in the world, remember that we have more guns than you. USA! USA! USA!