Sunday, January 29, 2012

The False Liberaltarian

There comes a time in every man’ life, where he must let go of childish things and stops being a fucking idiot – Harriet Tubman.

Libertarian n. – A pseudo-progressive who whose ideology is synonymous with the Tea Party, but refers to said TeaBaggers ignonimously.

Ron Paul. rEVOLution! Ron Paul 2012!

What RonPaulians today and the Paulistas of Rio de Janeiro share is the blind perpetuation of inequalities and regression under the guise of revolution and equality. The rationale of the average RonPaulian relies on 4 points: 1. Ron Paul wants to end our imperialistic, invasive foreign policy, while establishing a “golden rule” in matters of national defense (undoubtedly wears a WWJD bracelet).

2. Ron Paul said something about weed.

3. (Rick Perry supporters can stop at 2) End the Fed!

4. (covers ears) na na na na na, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!

I like Ron Paul. Whoops, I said it, but like is definitely a relative term in this instance. I think he’s an exceptionally intelligent individual, particularly when taking the rest of the GOP presidential field into consideration. However, I think Stalin, Hitler, Rand,  Kaczynski, Bundy, Louis IVX, Zedong, Columbus, HIV, toxoplasma gonii, and Edward Nigma are all brilliant in their own right, yet they are still all assholes.

I have three main issues with libertarians.

1.       They don’t know they’re libertarians, and thus refuse to admit they are assholes. They join in on the condescending epiteths by which we refer to Tea Party Republicans despite the fact the philosophy by which the Tea Party draws inspiration is laden in Ron Paul’s own history. They also somehow align themselves with a progressive movement, while the dogma of their philosophy is one of regression, from an evolutionary standpoint and from a political standpoint.

2.       This is where the libertarians piss me the fuck off. rEVOLution?!?!?!?!  

Ending the War on Drugs would save billions each year in federal dollars, as well as generate billions more if marijuana was legalized and taxed. Not to mention, this would free up our overcrowded prisons and stop proverbially feeding personal drug use gremlins after midnight and turning them into full-fledged sociopaths. Love.

Ending foreign wars. Yes we may pay for it at the gas tank, but it’s difficult to reason that bombing countries that about 80% of the population oppose our presence is the best way to prevent terrorist attacks on our soil, or promote the freedom of locals. Egypt. Bahrain. Syria. Libya. If the citizens want to change their government, they’re perfectly capable. Yes, ending foreign aid to some countries does seem rather selfish, but taking into consideration that only miniscule amounts of the aid we send make it to those who need it in the country, I can definitely see his point. What good is it to give billion dollars to help with famine if the local militants just use it to buy new gold-plated AK47s with a picture of Mickey Mouse on the clip? Do I think there should be an indefinite revocation of foreign aid? Hell no. However, we need more direct routes to those who need it, and ending our foreign wars does free up troops necessary for those deliveries, as well as adequate funds to aid those in need. Love.

End the Fed. Bernanke and the boys did nothing to prevent the economic collapse in ’08 and without much speculation, once can easily draw the conclusion that they were indeed an important part of its propagation. Paul is right in that we can’t keep printing money like it’s a Kardashian clothing line or a preschooler trying to learn how to spell his name. This unrestricted lending played its part in the creation of banks too big to fail and did nothing as predatory lending and credit default swaps spun us into a dismal twister that would make Helen Hunt’s dick hard. Love.

That’s all folks.

Is Ron Paul a racist? That may seem direct and accusatory, but because those 80s newsletters, I think it’s something that shouldn’t go unmentioned. Yes. I believe he is. However, I’m sure all the other GOP candidates are as well and despite what you may believe about yourself, go to this website <> and you may find some things out about yourself that you didn’t know where true. Ron Paul is a product of a different era, one where racism wasn’t condemned, nor was it even laissez-faire. Racism wasn’t blatant. It’s heuristcally programmed in his neuroanatomy and there’s nothing that is going to change that in his old age. But that’s not why I think he, and his followers are total dickwads.

Let’s go to each issue.

Gay marriage: Ron Paul believes that it is ridiculous that the government regulates marriage in the first place, leave it up to the church. While I agree with him, making a verbal agreement not to fuck anyone else and share your shit with somebody shouldn’t be legally binding, he is using this as a cop-out. He knows marriage will endlessly be regulated by the government, and in a Christian nation, homosexuals won’t have equal rights at the court house or the local preacher’s mansion… I mean church. No love.

Schools: Ron Paul thinks taxes are unconstitutional. Since this administration has the lowest revenue in the last 60 years, the rich are paying lower effective tax rates than in the day of Reagan, and billionaires are paying lower tax rates than school teachers, austerity is obviously not the way to go. Republicans have long cut funding drastically to public school funding, then used the poor functioning of the public schools as logic to privatize. It has always humored me that a parent will refuse to pay a higher tax rate to make public schools more functional, modern, and safe, but then spend MORE money on a private school,  but wait they won’t make kids learn evolution there--something Ron Paul also doesn’t believe in. A study conducted found that countries with progressive tax rates are generally more happy. Would you rather be zillionaire in a country whose infant mortality rate is similar to that of the Ivory Coast and 41st internationally or a millionaire in a country with the lowest infant mortality rate? Trick question, you’re not a zillionaire, and America is 41st internationally. The fact of the matter is, America’s infrastructure is failing at an incredible rate, 50% of public schools didn’t meet federal standards, while 33% were deemed dangerous to students with respiratory issues. If you can’t afford private schools, no Love.

Disaster relief:  Just as in foreign aid, Ron Paul rejects domestic aid as well. In shrinking the government down to the size of a quark, in a RonPaulian world, Joplin, who accrued over $1 billion in damage due to tornadoes, more than the entire town’s income combined in a year, would go wanting. Flooding in Vermont? Forget about it. Earthquake in Washington? Nope. Wildfires in Texas? The Rick Perry protocol. Damage in Virginia? Wouldn’t even hold aid hostage over the national debt like Cantor. Love?

Minimum wage, labor laws, and federal regulations: Unconstitutional. Before I continue, I want to mention that libertarians, or constitutional whores, make the leap of faith that a bunch of guys over 200 years ago, starting their first country, have more knowledge about government than we do using all of history as a reference. I guess this is the same group of people that believe a Grand Unified Theory of Everything was given to us over 2,000 years ago, so it makes sense. I digress.

This Tea Party, libertarian philosophy of labor without regulation and trickle-down economics is exactly why we have the federal regulations and tax codes in place today. Adam Smith, a brilliant philosopher of the early 18th century ** believed that markets could self-regulate and there would be an invisible hand that would hand out benefits to workers as a natural operation of the free market. Let’s ask this 19th century factory worker what he thinks of self-regulating markets and worker conditions, “Owwwwwww.” There it is folks. Unionization became a necessity because manufacturing  conditions were unbearable, wages were insulting, and people worked insufferable hours to remain poor. This is what gave way to a middle class in this country. Nowhere in history has this Tea Party philosophy been successful in economic growth, handing out benefits to workers, or leading the way to less income disparity.  What Ron Paul doesn’t take into consideration is history, and the fact that canon of capitalism is not now, and never has been to hand out benefits and fair wages. It has ALWAYS been unrestricted profit. Profit over people, that’s it. So if you’re occupying Wall Street under a libertarian flag, go home, find a copy of Atlas Shrugged, make sure to fold the papers nicely, then wipe your hypocritical ass with them. So in a way, the free market did regulate itself, by becoming so horrendous to the average person that rebelling became imminent and thus regulations were imposed.

Oh yeah, and he denies climate change  is exacerbated by humans, despite consensus of about 97% of scientists worldwide.

3.       All these RonPaulians have access to the internet.

So please, let libertarians be libertarians and assholes be assholes, but stop pretending there’s a difference. I have no problem with you being a selfish, delusional prick, but at least own up to it. And in the words of Shakespeare, “dare do all that may become a douche.” Ron Paul 2012.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

GOP Facts from 2011

2011 was a year of cuts, chaos, and privatization for the GOP, and the year they've had could only be summed up by some of these absolutely accurate statistics. (As approved by Politifact)

1. There are approximately 128.7 million Americans that Herman Cain hasn't slept with.

2. 23.7% of Mitch McConnell's children made it from their nest on the beach to the sea.

3. The divorce rate in America is 66%, as discovered in a case study of Newt Gingrich.

4. Barrack Obama has played 375 rounds of golf this year, with an average of "socialist black guy."

5. Herman Cain has 9 ways to give you his 9 inches if you're 9-teen.

6. Mitt Romney spent 1,089 minutes trying to decide whether to wear boxers or briefs, and eventually concluded that he'd take whatever that black guy in Washington wasn't wearing.

7. Marcus Bachmann has a 5% cure rate for homosexuality. Coincidently, he has a 95% success rate in trying to have sex with his clients.

8. Libya is an independent state within the country of Africa that was taken over by the Taliban following the end of the Gadaffi regime.

9. 79% of Republicans believe that life begins at conception and ends when you're gay, an immigrant, or can't afford health insurance.

10. According to Fox News, 55% of Americans prefer "Merry Christmas" to "Happy Holidays." 55% of Republicans also didn't know what the acronym "GOP" stood for. (actually a real statistic)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Jesus Declares Candidacy


Santorum: "Jesus!"
Bachmann: "Jesus!"
Gingrich: "Jesus!"
Paul: "Those damned kids and their rock and roll music...Jesus!"
Perry: "Jesus!"
Romney: "Joseph Smith........esus!"

Jesus: "Hey guys, I'm glad you were all together. I figured the GOP Primary Christmas mixer was the best time to talk to you all at know considering you all have been praying for so many separate concerns, like fiscal responsibility for your son, Ron, a marriage mulligan, Newt, an anal plunger for your husband, Michele. I mean c'mon guys, look, I'm not fucking Santa. World peace, end of poverty, equality and acceptance, I can do these things...keep your sex toys and reaction formation tools to yourself....not to name names.... Rick."

Santorum: "Lord, have you come to release the marital chains of homosexuality?"

Jesus: "Yeah...Rick...about that. I thnk you might need to ease up on the whole American History X thing, bro. I mean, homosexuality was never a big thing for fact.. I hung out with a bunch of them, they throw the sickest raves. And the whole 'gays cause priests to molest children thing'....well...maybe try letting them have sex with grown-ups before you go on this limp wrist cleansing. The whole homosexual thing was a big mix-up back when Dad was having a bad month and he couldn't get you guys to breed fast enough so he could catch Miami Vice re-runs. Oh, and by the way, just a little Godly clairvoyance for you, America won't fail because of same-sex marriage. It's actually going to be because the Cubs win the World Series which coincidently is actually the same year hell freezes over...not telling you when...but it'll be a while don't worry."

Bachmann: "Have you come to punish the wicked for government overspending?"

Jesus: "Well, not exactly. And while we're on the whole sex thing.. lay off the gays, please. Deep down it really hurts Marcus that you're so insensitive. Yes, yes, I know he said gays were 'barbarians that need to be educated' but he was really referring to the fact all his clients have been gladiators in the bedroom, but there's definitely room for improvement. And for porn, well... let's be honest, that's the only thing that's kept your marriage going this long.

Paul: "Would you like an orange candy slice?"

Jesus: "Na, no thanks Ron I just had a bunch of the sacrament. Newt. Oh, Newt. What do you have to say or yourself?"

Gingrich: "I know I've been unfaithful, but at least I'm not trying to corrupt America like those demons plaguing Wall Street. They need to get a job, right after they take a...."

Jesus: ..."Yeah, yeah, we all watched the debate about, well, yours truly. That analogy kind of sounds like 'hey I may be Louis XIV, but at least I'm not a peasant'' really shows a disconnect to the rest of the country, but that's not why I'm here. What I really wanted to tell you guys is..."


Jesus: "Whoa Newt. Sounds like you've been carrying that along for a while. I forgive you, I forgive you. However, you should maybe remember the time she stuck with you when you failed Weight Watchers for the 7th time and having sex with you became a journey up Kilimanjaro. You might have done better in my eyes to lobby on her behalf... we all know you're good at that. Besides that, you have to work at it, man. Do you know how bad I wanted to get up in Mary Magdalene? Nope, I stayed strong throughout."

Perry: "Son of God I have served you well, better than any of these other candidates. I've protected the sanctity of marriage, conducted a vigil in your honor, and what's the third one?"

Jesus: "Punish the wicked Rick... punish the wicked. Do you not have cheat sheets with you? Palin even uses her hand...seriously...but nevermind that. As far as the sanctity of marriage thing.. I think I've covered that sufficiently, but seriously and let live, brother. Gays in the military haven't hurt anyone by coming out, marriage isn't even an institution, it's a legislative agreement to not Newt Gingrich anyone else, that vigil was about you, not me--I thought the wildfires afterward would clarify that--and really? Executing people? If I recall, and I should know because I was there, I pardoned a criminal from eternal damnation."

Romney: "Well Lord, what do you have to put on me?"

Jesus: "Jesus Mitt. Er, Me Mitt. Do you think I really started 'Christianity?' It isn't your religious affiliation that condemns you, but your belief system. This actually goes for all of you guys. Come on, really? Did you really think 'Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's' meant 'Give tax breaks to millionaires, and to the rest, well tough luck?' I thought you guys knew me better than that. I told that midget Zaccheus, excuse me little person, to get down from that stupid tree and give to the poor. I wasn't telling him to find tax loopholes, invest in debt and lobby the government for higher leveraging, or condemn the less fortunate as lazy. No, silly Mitt, corporations are not people, and allowing them to accumulate wealth further, will not make wealth, benefits, and jobs trickle down. People are greedy. Trust me, I know, me and my Dad designed them for my 1st grade science project. And come on Mitt... making $10,000 wagers is totally bogus when trying to connect to the American people. You realize that's like the entire world's wealth when I was alive?

Guys, what I'm trying to say is that I came here, not for you, but for everyone else. No, no, this isn't the end of times, but it feels necessary since everyone has been throwing my name around like I'm Richard Gere's pet gerbil. I plan to run for the President of the United States as an independent. I figured I'd let you guys in on it, but I will be running under the alias Jesse Kristopherson. I'd tell you not to tell anyone, but that didn't work back in the 30's (0030's), so I doubt there's much of a chance now. I figure you've been telling America you talk to me and I've been telling you to do stuff all year, so what's the difference.

Perry: "So, you're Jesus, and you're not a Conservative?"

Jesus: "Well, no man. I mean, I think that unregulated wealth and greed is evil, I don't preach messages of hate against other lifestyles or religions, I came to exonerate the down-trodden, I teach a message of peace and acceptance, and I'm not a Bible beater. In fact, I've never even read the thing. It's like watching yourself in a movie, rather vain if you ask me. I mean guys, you've been using me as an excuse to not care about the poor, I can't advocate that."

Gingrich: "So, you don't want legislation against same-sex marriage, you don't want to cut taxes on the wealthy, you don't want to end Medicare and social security, you don't want to cut heating for the elderly and poor by 25% to increase the military budget, and you don't think poor children should clean the bathrooms of rich children?"

Jesus: "Ummm...what? People are actually buying that stuff? This is worse than I, no, no."

Paul: "Did someone say The Fed? Are those new slacks?"

Gingrich, Santorum, Bachmann, Perry, Romney: "GET HIM!"

(rustling noises) (BANG!)

Paul: "Unconstitutional!"

Monday, December 12, 2011

The House on Haunted Hill

To take the GOP presidential field seriously-- hold no illusion, even though it may seem like an insult to your intelligence, you are obligated to take these cartoonish, skit-ready, corporate indigents seriously--there a few things you have to do.

1. You have to dismiss the incoherent rambling and any attempt any of the candidates have made at improvising speeches, debate answers, predetermined ethical values or sexual exploits. For example:

With Naughty Newt Gingrich, you must dismiss his utilization of secularism as a scapegoat for nearly every problem that has ever plagued the U.S. (I don't believe he's blamed Catholic priest molestation charges on secularism like Santorum yet, but hey, it's a long election season), his past infidelity-not so much with his other wives either "cancerous" or not, but the multiple ethics violations imposed on him by the House, his acceptance of over $1.6 million in lobbying, excuse me "historianing" cash from Freddie Mac, using mailing lists from charities he headlined that didn't end up making any charitable donations, taking the "evil stepmother with better tits" stance on child labor, and his early work as the model for Gummi Bears.

With The Multi-Million Dollar Man Mitt Romney, you have to deal with his adherence to the Pixar bad guy hair style code, rivaling Vatican City with his living quarters of which he recently quadrupled in size, his advocacy of Corporate marriage while opposing same-sex marriage, proposed $6.6 trillion in tax breaks for the rich and corporations (which isn't far removed from Gingrich's plan offering over $600,000 in annual tax decreases for the average millionaire), and his indecision on any given issue that would give Heisenberg a woody.

With Bachmann you have to deal with, Jesus Christ this will take me all night, tune in for my presidential round-up later this week. Besides, we can all be adults here, admit Blink 182 was kind of overrated and that none of the other candidates really have a homosexual's chance in Iowa.

2. You have to pick out common themes that each candidate shares, despite their propensity to engage in "my dad could kick your dad's ass" pissing matches. 

The most common theme I have taken from subjecting myself to the torture of watching the debates to see who gets shotgun on the shortbus on the way home is that America, the beautiful, is the best country in the world, above reproach, and totally is so not gay. 

 Gingrich unappolgetically doesn't apologize for not apologizing for America. Santorum continually flaunts the, "America is a light on a hill" rhetoric, Ron Paul is too realistic on this issue so we won't mention him because he's probably busy filling up glass jars with orange slice candies that nobody will ever eat, Bachmann is still dealing with the possibility that all of these other countries people talk about weren't invented by Herman Cain, and Herman Cain, well, he thinks we have the best women in the world when they're not being little bitches and thwarting his advances. Hey, we've forced a lot of people to do a lot of shit, and America has always come out on top. God Bless Herman Cain's love rod, and God Bless America!

(Either Herman Cain or Frank Lucas shown here)

However, there are some people in the world trying to tell you America isn't the beacon of prosperity on a hill of poor children, personal and federal debt, would-be corporate tax revenue, and shitty pop music. These anti-America treasonous terrorists that are probably gay and Muslim are even found in our own country! The biggest problem I have with these good for nothing elitist assholes is their allegiance to scientific inquiry, and above all, statistics. I don't trust words longer than 5 letters to begin with, but especially ones that can also disprove my belief system. So what are these "statistics" that people are claiming exist? I'm not one to believe in anything that doesn't require blind faith.

Wilkinson and Pickett, in The Spirit Level, compiled an index of health and social problems for the wealthiest countries in the world. They wanted to emphasize that inequality not only impedes on the quality of life at the bottom, but the country as a whole, including the elite. They found that the countries with the most inequality scored worse on every single criterion. They found that the countries with the best quality of life were Norway, Japan, and Sweden, while the U.S. scored dead last.

Inequality? Doesn't mean that trickle-down economics is working? Which of course is the idea that if wealth is concentrated at the top, the rich will take out their dicks and piss on the poor so they work harder and make more money.

Wait, wait. So if this stuff is true, and inequality is a bad thing, then in 2005, the average CEO making 262 times more than the average worker is a bad thing. And if that's bad, then 400 Americans at the top owning more wealth than 150 million Americans is also pretty bad. If that's not good, then neither is that the income of the top 1% in the last 32 years has increased 275% while the bottom 20% of the country's income has only increased by 18%. It's probably not a good thing that 88% of income growth since 2009 went to corporate profit, with only 1% going to wage increases. We should probably be kind of pissed that in 2010 corporate tax revenue was down 27% from 2000, despite corporate profits increasing by 60%.

So the Census Bureau releasing that 46 million Americans live in poverty, including 37% of young families must mean we've got a lot of golden showers to give out. Glenn Beck is telling you our poor aren't really poor because many own appliances is disingenuous considering we are supposed to be that light on a hill. These poor people must be lazy. They could get a job at McDonald's right? Well, McDonald's only hired 60,000 of the 1 million applicants last year. They just need to go get an education! College tuition tripling in the last 30 years might hinder that, though.

Well, these American-loving, squeaky clean family candidates probably all have solutions to the inequality and poverty problem. More tax breaks for corporations? More tax breaks for rich? Don't want to extend payroll tax cuts for middle class? Don't want to create jobs with rebuilding falling infrastructure because of a %0.7 surtax on income over $1 million? They must know something that economists, sociologists, and anthropologists don't.

Oh... okay... nevermind, we had it wrong guys...

Taxing rich people prevents them from creating jobs. They need the tax breaks--we're all struggling right now. I mean, pre-emptively rewarding someone for something they haven't done yet always works. We don't need tax credits for hires, that's against logic! That's why we give lab rats cocaine BEFORE they press the lever. That's why my mom takes off the parental lock no the computer BEFORE I clean my room.

Anyway, all this shit is making me depressed. What is America best at?

The American Journal on Public Health determined the U.S. has higher rates of gun ownership than other industrialized countries (we'll ignore the higher homicide rates)!

The U.S. spends he most on healthcare! I guess scoring a 64 out of 100 on key measures in the Commonwealth Fund Commission on a High Performance Health System study means we still have room for improvement. As does the fact we spend more, but cover less people than countries with socialized medicine.

We spend the most on Defense! That must be why everyone feels so safe all the time.

We have more prisoners than any other country!

So if you've learned nothing, if you want to question if America is the best country in the world, remember that we have more guns than you. USA! USA! USA!